


I Know You Got More Tears to Share, Babe

by jilliangilbert



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Dirty Dancing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erin has an anxiety disorder, Eventual Romance, F/F, Femslash, Fluff, Holtz is a sweetheart, Panic Attacks, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-27 18:53:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8412763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilliangilbert/pseuds/jilliangilbert
Summary: Erin suffers from an anxiety disorder and intrusive/negative thoughts. Holtzmann wants Erin to see herself through her eyes, and get to know how beautiful she is...





	1. Chapter 1

Abby holds Erin's hair back as she gags over the toilet.

"Erin – there's no need to be this upset that it's making you sick. Forget about those guys," Abby says, referring to the men mocking the Ghostbusters, calling them illegitimate.

"I - want - Holtz," Erin chokes, surprising herself.

"Ok, ok…hold on," Abby says, equally surprised, "I'm going to go get her."

She smooths her friend's hair back before walking out of the bathroom in search of the engineer.

"Holtzmann! Where are you?" Abby calls.

Holtz looks up from her work station, startled by Abby's tone.

"It's Erin," Abby breathes.

Holtzmann's eyes grow large.

"No, she's fine, well, she's not — she's asking for you —"

Holtz is already taking off her gear and heading toward the direction from where Abby came.

"She's in the bathroom!" Abby calls after her. 

Erin is still bent over the toilet, and has now begun to cry.

"Hey, E," Holtz calls, approaching cautiously. 

"Hi," Erin replies weakly.

"I'm sorry, Holtz,” Erin glances up embarrassed. “I shouldn't have let Abby interrupt you. I'll be fine, really," she says through ragged breaths.

"What's got you so worked up, Buttercup?" Holtz asks with a gentle look in her eyes. 

When Holtz is "on," she's outlandish and performative; but there's a quieter side to her that she reserves for people she feels most comfortable with.

“I feel sad,” Erin responds.

“I did detect a bit of the blues…” Holtz responds inquisitively.

“I feel lost,” Erin says, looking helpless. “I feel turned around. Like I made a million wrong decisions. Except I didn’t make any decisions. They were made for me. I’m just reacting. Just pinging around.”

“It has been a bit of an abrupt change in career plans,” Holtz says gently.

“Last month I had an office, a trajectory, a plan…I thought I did. I thought my life would look so different by the time I was in my forties,” Erin says, panic creeping into her voice, “Oh God, Holtz. Oh God, who am I?”

“You’re,” Holtz begins—

“The only reason I'm even a Ghostbuster,” Erin continues in a panic, cutting Holtz off, “is because – Oh God, a Ghostbuster, listen to me…A _ghost_ _buster_??,” Erin asks incredulously, before continuing, “I’m only a Ghostbuster because I got upset over a book I wrote 20 years ago, then I got ectoplasmic puked on by a dead woman, then I got _fired_ , and now I’m here…in a bathroom, in a firehouse, aimless…wandering…lost, ungrounded, unfounded, what…what…” she chokes out, convulsing over onto her hands and knees trying to get a breath.

“They’re laughing at me,” she chokes, tears falling down her face, “And – I’m – I should—”

“Stop. Erin. Stop.” Holtz breathes out with a catch in her throat. She pulls Erin up, wrapping her in the tightest embrace she can without crushing her ribcage.

“I don’t know who I am or where I went,” Erin sobs, burying her face into Holtz’s neck, gripping the blonde’s shirt like it’s the only thing keeping her from floating away.

“Can I help you find her?” Holtz asks in a soothing voice.

“How?” Erin asks between ragged sobs.

“We’ll find a way. Together. I want you to meet her. I can’t imagine my life without her. She’s remarkable.” Holtz says, pulling back to wipe Erin’s tears with her thumbs.

Erin closes her eyes tight, and presses her forehead into Holtzmann’s, breathing her in, trying to come back into her body.

Holtz processes her emotions physically. She’s not used to the cerebral anguish Erin experiences, but she wants to obliterate it. She wants to replace it with comfort and warmth and joy.

“Come on, E,” Holtz says, rubbing behind Erin’s ears with her finger tips, “I’m going to make us something to eat. For the next twenty four hours, we aren’t going to think, we’re just going to be. Just be. You and me.”

“But,” Erin starts to protest.

“No buts,” Holtz says, “just be’s”

“Bees?” Erin asks. “Buzzzz,” Holtz replies, causing Erin to smirk.

“There she is,” Holtz says. “That’s my girl,” Holtz continues before she can catch herself.

“I mean, you know, my friend,” Holtz clarifies. “Um, Erin?” Holtz asks.

“Hmm?” Erin replies, her face relaxing.

“Why did you ask Abby for me?” Holtz asks timidly.

“Truthfully…it was impulsive, like a craving..." Erin pauses, "I just wanted you. Plus I think…that you’re beautiful, and your beauty – is radioactive…it distracts me from my pain.” Erin says, with only a slight hint of fake silliness. She knows she means what she’s saying.

“Really?” Holtz takes the words to heart.

“Really…” Erin says placing a kiss to Holtzmann’s forehead.

Holtz blushes, a warming sensation spreading throughout her chest.

“So…food…” Holtz says, her dimples showing. “You get washed up, and then meet me upstairs.”

“Can we eat in your lab?” Erin asks. “I feel – safe in there…ironically,” she says, the start of a smile on the corners of her mouth, her eyes meet the engineer’s.

“Yes, princess,” Holtz smiles, her fingers drawing patterns on Erin's back.


	2. Chapter 2

Erin showers, washing off all the pain and tears from earlier. She makes her way up to Holtz’s lab, noticing the way it smells like metal and cedar. She feels the floor beneath her feet. She finds her way over to the couch in the corner, bringing a forrest-green throw-pillow to her face, inhaling the scent while taking a seat, waiting for Jillian.

Holtz walks in with a tray full of food: home-made bagel bites (Erin’s favorite), veggies and hummus, orange slices, and cookies cut in the shape of stars _with_ purple sprinkles, and two glass bottles of Coke.

Erin smiles unabashedly for the first time in two weeks.

“What kind of bagel bites did you make, Holtz?” she asks.

“Cheese, of course. Pepperoni, of course. And garlic! Mmm…” Holtz exclaims, very pleased with herself, popping an orange slice into her mouth.

Erin takes a huge bite of one of the bagels, when Holtz leans in and starts tickling her. “Holtz!” Erin squeals. No one has tickled her since…she can’t remember…maybe since she was a baby…

Holtz finds the place between Erin’s collar bone and her neck that makes Erin go wild. The physicist laughs until her sides ache… “Stah…Stah…I’m going to get you – bah – back,” she stammers leaning over to the engineer and pinning her down. Holtz makes a startled noise and smiles her 100 watt smile, this time with the orange slice in her mouth, causing Erin to dissolve into laughter again. The orange is way too big for Holtz’s mouth and drool is now dripping down her chin. Instead of caring or being grossed out, Erin actually thinks it’s adorable.

“Who is this person?” Erin thinks. She’s not sure if she’s referring to Holtz or herself, but man it feels good to get out of her own head.

Holtz spits the orange peel into her hand and tosses it in the bin. She sits up and scoops Erin into her lap with her, while she and Erin devour the rest of the food. Erin gets a mouthful of purple sugar cookie, and takes long sips of her coke, letting the fizz tickle the inside of her mouth, before she swallows.

Holtz places her hand on Erin’s tummy, and Erin becomes more aware of each sensation, while swallowing and savoring each bite and sip. Without thinking, she presses a loud kiss to Holtz’s cheek, leaving purple sprinkles stuck to her dimple.

“Thank you for dinner, Holtzmann,” Erin says, “It’s the best food I’ve had in a long, long time,” She looks down, the sadness creeping back into her eyes. “I guess I’m kind of a bummer, huh?” Erin asks.

Holtz grabs her boom box remote off the coffee table and turns the volume up.

“Come here,” she says, and grabs Erin’s hand, pulling her to her feet.

“What are you doing?” Erin squeaks.

“Giving your brilliant brain a break. It’s been being mean to you,” Holtz says, as she puts one hand on Erin’s chest, the other on her hip, and her knee in between the taller woman's slender thighs. Erin has no choice but to grab onto Holtz’s shoulders and hold on.

Old-School hip-hop pulses through the speakers and Holtz knows every word. Feeling Jillian Holtzmann’s body pulse into her is like a mind-eraser. Erin’s fears disappear—her pain and anxiety are somewhere else. But her body remembers what a fantastic dancer she is. Holtz isn’t surprised; but she is enamored.

Erin grinds down on the blonde in sync with the music, running her hands down the back of Jill’s neck, causing the engineer to shiver and bite her lip. Erin spins Jill in her arms, pulling the tiny engineer's back against her stomach. She wants to feel those beautiful hips against her body. She’s felt secretly jealous of every pole and bench that have been the recipients of Holtzmann’s famous pelvic thrusts.

Erin wraps her hand around Holtz’s front, feeling the heat coming off her belly. Holtz’s ass is pressed into her center, causing an awakening in Erin’s body she never knew was there. Erin continues to wrap her arm tighter around Holtz’s middle, her hand inching up just under Holtz’s breasts, as the blonde tosses her head back onto Erin’s shoulder, thrusting her hips like she was born to do. When Holtz was small, her nickname was “Baby Elvis,” a story that has become one of Abby’s favorites.

Erin’s jumbled thoughts and misfiring synapses are now replaced with ecstasy, as the woman in her arms becomes a life force, shooting pleasure and power into her veins. The warmth of Holtzmann’s back pressed into her chest sends a tingling sensation straight to Erin’s nipples, and the physicist gasps in response.

“Holtz…I need you,” Erin pants into Jill’s ear. The engineer licks her lips and closes her eyes, smiling from ear to ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope anyone else with an anxiety or personality disorder feels better knowing they have Erin to relate to, and can begin to see themselves the way Holtzmann sees Erin xx


	3. Chapter 3

Erin slides her hand up Holtzmann's back. She grips her hair and pulls her head back.

"I want you," she breathes.

Jill turns to face Erin, bringing her hand between Erin's thighs, and grabs her between the legs...

"I want you too," Holtz replies.

"Oh fuck," Erin moans, unable to suppress her desire any longer.

"Holtz, fuck me, please..." she begs. "I'll do anything you say, please." She lets out another moan as Holtz grabs her up by her thighs, and carries her out of her lab and into her bedroom, pulling Erin's shirt off and slinging it onto the floor.

"Touch me," Erin whines, "please god Holtz touch me." Holtz slams Erin's back against the wall, still gripping her thighs and plunges her hand into the brunette's waistband. Erin sees the same boldness in Holtz's eyes she witnesses when Holtz slays ghosts. She feels the power of the woman who basically single-handedly saved New York City with her gun firing, exploding strength. And this is the woman who's holding her now.  
"You're so wet..." Holtz exhales, "Are you going to come for me?"

"Yes," Erin pants, her eyes half open. Her hands push into Jill's breasts, eliciting a moan from the blonde. "Yes," Erin pants again, as she grinds her hips against Holtz's hand.

"I want to feel you," Erin whines, pawing at Jillian's shirt, "Please." Erin's cries of desperation heighten all of the blonde's senses. Holtz feels the physicist's vulnerability seeping into her skin and is grateful she's the recipient of this raw need. She can see how someone could have abused Erin in the past.

Erin pulls Jill's shirt over her head, un-clasping her bra, and sliding it off her shoulders to the floor. Erin presses her hands back into Holtz's breasts so hard there may be bruises tomorrow. Holtz throws her head back and leans harder into Erin's body, meeting her desperation.

"Please Holtz," Erin says again, "I want you inside of me." Holtz silences Erin's plea with her mouth first, kissing her hard on the lips. Erin opens her mouth for her and Holtz finds her tongue as she plunges three fingers inside of Erin.

"Uuuhh," Erin cries into the engineer's mouth. "More," Erin screams. Holtz can feel Erin tight around her fingers and can't bear to hurt her by adding another.

Instead, she pumps her hand hard, causing Erin to squeeze her breasts impossibly harder in return. Jill uses her thumb to stroke Erin's clit and feels Erin coming undone in her arms. Erin brings a hand up to the blonde's hair, tangling her fingers in her curls. She presses her face against Holtzmann's cheek, her breath feels hot on the engineer's neck.

"Look at me, baby," Holtz breathes. "I want to watch you come." Erin pulls her face back to meet Jill's striking blue eyes. All at once, her orgasm hits her like a tidal wave, and the pain in her belly comes up through her chest - their eye contact not allowing her to lie anymore.

Holtz can't bear the thought of having to have lived another moment without seeing the face Erin makes as she comes screaming her name, followed by an aching sob, falling limp against Holtz's chest, her face in the crook of the blonde's neck.

Jill pulls her hand out of Erin and wipes the wetness on the handkerchief hanging from her pocket. She holds erin tight against her, gently rubbing her back, placing kisses to her shoulder.

"You're so perfect," Jill whispers, "You did so good, E, I've got you," she says as she carries her over to the bed.

Erin's sobs become choking hiccups. "I - I - I'm sorry, Holtz."

"Shh..." Holtz soothes, "you have nothing to be sorry about, baby girl, just let me hold you."

Holtz holds Erin tight against her body, running her fingers up and down her spine, until her crying begins to quiet. After a moment, she untangles Erin from her arms and lays her on the bed, gently pulling off her pants and underwear. She places a gentle kiss to Erin's inner thigh, caressing softly between her legs. "Don't move, princess," Holtz says. She returns with two wash cloths—one warm and one cool. She places the cool cloth on the night stand and uses the warm one between Erin's legs.

Erin's tears have slowed and her breathing becomes steady. Holtz watches her belly rise and fall as she lovingly runs the warm cloth between Erin's thighs. "All clean," Holtz smiles, leaning up to place a kiss to Erin's nose. She tosses the cloth in the laundry pile and retrieves the cool rag, bringing it to Erin's forehead, wiping the sweat and then the tears from her cheeks, trailing it with kisses. "Let me," Erin whispers, taking the washcloth from Holtz. Erin returns the gesture, but instead runs the cloth over Jill's bare chest, letting her thumb caress her sternum and wipe the beads of sweat from between her breasts. Erin runs the cloth over Holtz's neck, before pulling Jill against her body. Jill places her head against Erin's chest and Erin uses the cool cloth to wipe Holtzmann's sweat soaked, naked back.

"Mmm," Holtz murmurs against the physicist.

"Thank you," Erin whispers into her ear, "Thank you for everything, sweetheart."

 

"Erin?" Holtz asks almost inaudibly when she thinks Erin may be asleep . "Hmm?" Erin replies.

"I love you. I always have," she offers timidly.

"I love you too, Jillian. I loved you first."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you struggle with an anxiety and/or personality disorder like erin, I hope you're lucky enough to have someone help you find yourself when you get lost, and that you remember what a beautiful dancer you are, how much you love to laugh, how funny and carefree you are, and how much you enjoy your favorite foods... and that you find yourself able to just "be" as much as possible
> 
> and I hope you find someone who loves you and always has

**Author's Note:**

> the title of this fanfic is a line from Janis Joplin's song Cry Baby


End file.
